TheDialectizer is fun and easy. Here's a paragraph of John's in different dialects.

John
The diarist on his stomach, sleeping nightmares. Wanting to record Everything. The dream of How. The works of man, the interiors of the cell. Every cell, in every body; every animal, that ever was. Every sub-atomic particle seen in it's divided state; a separate, magnified entity; and in union, communing--the product it composes. Recording the relativity as from every angle; representing each cause per glimpse. From who or what, to then & now. The ultimate diary, the ultimate vision. To behold The Entirety.

Redneck
Th' diarist on his stomach, sleepin' nightmares. Wantin' t'reco'd Ev'rythin'. Th' dream of How. Th' wawks of man, th' interio's of th' cell, ah reckon. Ev'ry cell, in ev'ry hide; ev'ry animal, thet evah was. Ev'ry sub-atomic particle see in it's divided state; a separeete, magnified intity; an' in union, communin'--th' produck it composes. Reco'din' th' relativity as fum ev'ry angle; representin' etch cuz per glimpse. Fum who o' whut, t'then & now. Th' ultimate diary, th' ultimate vishun. To behold Th' Entirety.

Jive
De diarist on his stomach, sleepin' nightmares. Wantin' t'reco'd Everydin'. De dream uh How, so cut me some slack, Jack. De wo'ks uh man, de interio's uh de cell. Every cell, in every body; every animal, dat eva' wuz. Every sub-atomic particle seen in it's divided state; some separate, magnified entity; and in union, communin'--de product it composes. Reco'din' de relativity as fum every angle; representin' each cause puh' glimpse. From who o' whut, t'den & now, so cut me some slack, Jack. De ultimate diary, de ultimate vision. 'S coo', bro. To behold De Entirety. Slap mah fro!

Cockney
The diarist on 'is stomach, sleepin' nightmares. Wantin' ter record Evryfink. The bloody dream of 'ow. The works of man, the interiors of the cell. Evry cell, in evry body; evry animal, that ever were. Evry sub-atomic particle seen in it's divided state; a separate, right, magnified entity; and in union, communin'--the product it composes. Recordin' the relativity as from evry angle; representin' each cause per glimpse. From 'oo or wot, right, to then & now. The bloomin' ultimate diary, the bloody ultimate vision. To behold The bloody Entirety.

Here's an article from the Onion for Jimmy S.

Study: Owning A Boat Not Worth It
YONKERS, NY—According to a study published in the April issue of Boating Magazine, owning a boat is not even close to worth it. "Our study proved conclusively that boat-ownership is primarily an inconvenience and a monetary black hole," editor Roger Bernbaum said. "We found little to no reason to keep that thing sitting in a shed all winter just so you can tow it to the lake and pay outrageous docking fees three weekends a year. It'd be much more cost-efficient to don a yachting cap and hang out at the dockhouse." The May issue of Boating promises to explore the financial viability of seaside vacation homes.

Man, those huge monstrosities that work out in the weight room here at the prison really are a pain. The main trainer is pretty cool. He might give me a pointer now and again. But there's this big loud guy that always has to make a giant issue out of me leaving within an hour of me showing up. I keep telling him, "yeah, well, I've got a schedule to keep." But everytime, we have to go through the same shit again. "Where you goin'? Proud smirk and laughter to his friends, "You just got here white boy!" He's white also. I just nod now with a smirk that whispers, "idiot." Then there's the guy who always wears his sunglasses to workout indoors. I wouldn't have a problem with that at all, but he always gets on something right after me and triples the weight. Don't know why the sunglasses add to that annoyance, but it does. If they only knew what effort it takes for me even to show up to workout then they probably.... they probably would still be assholes.

My new place, if I get it, is in the area of the faubourg marigny dot.

I put in a bid for a new place to live. She wanted $600 a month plus $50 for off street parking. I said I'd pay $600 total, parking included. She said she will use the weekend to think about it. We'll see. I really like the place though. Washer/Dryer hook ups, dishwasher, central a/c and heat, upstairs huge bedroom with windows, (no windows on first floor though.) It's a converted garage actually, that I have to open a barn-like door to get in. It's all new and clean and the location is about 6 houses down from my brother Matt's in the Marigny. Move in date will be May 1st if I get it.

Minor story, I know, but congrats are in order for John Belushi getting his star on the Hollywood walk of fame.