Heather - I was a mess when a death occured suddnely early in my adult life. I don't know how I would react now. I remember the shock and the feel of something ripped away without warning and feeling like, damn, that's not suppose to happen. At the time, it also put me into a deep depression on a personal level because I realized my mortality and how my number could be up at any second and it also unleashed alot of other built up repressed feelings of my own. I would like to think that I would be less selfish in my suffering now, but it's hard to tell until you experience it. Anyway, I wish you the best in trying to cope with the feelings that make sense, like in honoring your friend, but also in those thoughts and feelings that don't.